your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Vodka?
Forever.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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