Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
