I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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