Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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