Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
