Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize