So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
