my mouth tastes like poor choices
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
