How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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