I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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