She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
