Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
