I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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