I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
