I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
