and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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