well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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