i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
