I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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