I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
