The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
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