My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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