He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
