I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
