Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
