Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
