There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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