i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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