I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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