11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
