one word: firstdatebathroomanal
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
