I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm really busy with my period
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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