my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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