My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
