If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
