gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
