I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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