it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize