Your mouth is God's brothel.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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