why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
