my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize