Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize