She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
