He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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