matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
