I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
