I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
