just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
