the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize