Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
No I am not eating basil off your cock
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
