My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
