Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
