Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
