I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize