Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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