i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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