It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
