I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Randomize
