Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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