Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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