Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
