they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
