Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
