You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He? As in you personified your dick?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
