Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
