Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
