I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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